This past week my son Dash and I enjoyed a Muppet extravaganza, playing with Kermit and Rowlf and Cookie Monster puppets mostly (he’s eleven months this week). We also listened to classic Muppet tunes including the musical stylings of Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
In honor of our Muppetpalooza, I submit this to the aether: For almost ten years, I have been imagining the true Muppet Shakespeare experience. It is simply the most appropriate of all the plays. It is – MUPPET ADO ABOUT NOTHING.
The Cast:
- DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon – ROWLF THE DOG
- DON JOHN, Don Pedro’s bastard brother – GONZO THE GREAT
- CLAUDIO, a young Florentine – (insert popular human star)
- BENEDICK, a young Lily-Paduan – KERMIT THE FROG
- LEONATO, Governor of Messina – SAM THE EAGLE
- ANTONIO, Leonato’s brother – LINK HOGTHROB/PEPE THE KING PRAWN
- BALTHAZAR, servant to Don Pedro- SCOOTER
- BORACHIO, follower of Don John – SWEETUMS
- CONRADE, follower of Don John- RIZZO THE RAT
- DOGBERRY, a Constable – FOZZIE BEAR ("Dog-BEARY! Get it? Wakka wakka!")
- VERGES, Dogberry’s assistant – ANIMAL
- FRIAR FRANCIS – DR. TEETH
- HERO, daughter to Leonato – (insert popular human starlet)
- BEATRICE, niece to Leonato – MISS PIGGY
- MARGARET, servant of Leonato’s house – JANICE
- URSULA, waiting woman attending on Hero – CAMILLA THE CHICKEN
The rest really speaks for itself. Kermit was always at his best in the early years, when he was abusing Piggy. This lets them abuse each other, and still end up together. The scenes were they are tricked into falling for each other would be priceless.
I would have to steal the opening sequence from Brannagh’s film version. Can you imagine Kermit, Gonzo, and Rowlf on horseback, riding in, Rowlf with a big ciger sticking out one side of his mouth? Meanwhile, Piggy, Janice, and a dozen other muppets fling off their clothes to bathe for their arrival. Feathers and fur fly everywhere, until everyone is suddenly suited up, and we have the formal entrance, with the two groups looking at each other with big grins. Then Piggy starts in on Kermit, and we’re off!
Quick note on the double casting of Antonio: Link Hogthrob is originally cast in the part, only he keeps breaking into soliloquies from HAMLET, which he naturally assumes he should be starring in. So the director has to fire him and replace him mid-play with Pepe – just in time for the great angry scene with Antonio and Leonato calling out Claudio in the street.
Obviously I’ve spent some time thinking about this. I’ve written up a good chuck of the script. I even sent a proposal in to Henson studios eight or nine years ago. Never heard back, of course, but I’m glad I put it out there. Clearly, I’ve put the intervening years to some use. But there’s a piece of me that wants to finish the script, just for the hell of it. Maybe someday, when all this other nonsense has palled…
Anyway, this is my contribution to Muppet theatre. Next? Taming of the Swine.
DB
