Today a teenager asked me for relationship advice. Awkward? Absolutely. I want to know nothing at all about teenage romances. I remember my own far too well.
Fortunately, I have a catch-all piece of relationship advice that Jan and I have relied on for years. Though it's not actually advice, I suppose. It's just two questions.
But they're good questions.
Now, we don't ever want to hear the answers, because the answers aren't for us. They're for the person trying to figure things out. But we've used these two questions with many friends, and those who are able to answer them honestly have had eye-opening moments, both good and bad.
The questions are these:
#1 – "Do you like this person?"
Not love, like. Love can ebb and flow. It can intoxicate and nauseate. Love is in motion, fluid, inconstant and inconsistent and powerful and awesome all at once.
But liking – that's a different matter. If you like someone, you're far more likely to forgive their faults, laugh at their jokes, and generally want to be around them. That's key to a healthy relationship.
#2 – "Do you like yourself when you're with this person?"
This is the crucial question. Are you the person you want to be when you are with this potential partner? Are you a version of you that you want to be for the rest of your life? Are you comfortable in your own skin around this other person?
So often attraction can make us do foolish, goofy, or outright stupid things. Like being in a relationship where we like the other person and end up hating ourselves. That's not sustainable, let alone healthy.
Everyone has days where they don't want to hang with themselves. But if you're in a relationship with someone who makes you feel that way all the time, that's not good for you. Or for the relationship. It might not even be them. It's about who you are when you're with that person.
Anyway, this is the advice I was able to trot out today. I was grateful, because it allowed me to avoid a deeper conversation. And the teen was grateful, because it's actually really solid advice.
Win-win.
(Jan and I outside St. Peter's in Rome in 2005 BC – Before Children)
